Fears of Tears

      I am not a crier. Crying makes me uncomfortable and I don't think it accomplishes anything really. I know people who cry specifically to get sympathy (other than four year olds) and that is something I am even more uncomfortable with. I don't need anyone's sympathy. If I'm so upset over something that I'm actually crying, the last thing I want is your sympathy.
      I don't think there is anything wrong with crying - for other people. Yes, I feel awkward around it but if someone is really upset about something, the tears kind of escape. For me, crying shows weakness; but I don't believe other people are weak if they are crying. I mean, full-blown blubbering over insignificant things will irritate the hell out of me - almost as much as someone bitching about a problem over and over but never really taking the steps to do anything about said problem.
       But just because I don't fall down into a fit of sobs does not mean I am not hurting. Just because I don't turn sullen and melancholy doesn't mean I'm not sad. Just because I choose not to dwell on things that make me unhappy when I'm awake and around others doesn't mean I don't think about it. I smile instead of frown; laugh instead of cry.
       Sometimes, if I'm really hurt, I'll get mad. And not simple I'll just avoid you kind of mad. I mean scowl and shoot-you-daggers when you're around. I mean pointedly ignoring you and doing my best to make sure you don't forget me. Maybe that isn't the most mature, but I'm hurting. YOU hurt me.
       I'm really good at hiding my emotions from everyone, including myself. There will be times that I know I'm mad but I don't know at whom or why. If and when I figure it out, and its someone close to me, I address whatever situation has made me upset. Know why? Because I feel that those people close to me deserve to be made aware of the things they did. Because I value our relationship and because I respect you enough to not tell you blatant lies and deny that our relationship was any less important than it really was.
       So no; you probably won't catch me with the light glinting off of tears welling in my eyes. Odds are good you won't even hear me say that I've been hurt. But know that I have been hurt; I am still hurting. And you are the one who hurt me.

For the Trekkie nerds in my life

The following conversation took place on twitter while Astronaut Chris Hadfield was in space. 

  

 

 Link to space interview between Astronaut Chris Hadfield and William Shatner

Stop it! Just... Stop. It. Now!

I'm saying something, not to spark an argument (Trolls, get back under your bridges!), but just because I need to say it!
I HATE that in lieu of the tragedy in Connecticut, we as Americans have found yet one more thing to disagree upon.
Now, everyone who knows me knows I'm a space muffin (bleeding heart liberal) but I honestly don't know how I feel about gun control. But my view on that is irrelevant  The issue I take right now is that this horrifying, unfathomable, heart-wrenching act of violence happened and now the liberals and conservatives are once again sniping at one another.
What happened was something so terrible and so unbelievably awful that I can't even really think about it. But should we be using it as a reason to come together; or yet another thing to take cheap shots at each other and argue with one another about?
It seems like every single time something bad happens, liberals and conservatives alike use it to climb back on top of their fucking soapboxes and start beating their chests and reminding us of all the reasons why THEY'RE right and the other side is wrong.
Hurricane Sandy hit and the democrats were like, "See! This is why the Republicans are idiots! If they have their way, these people won't get any help!" While I may agree, all this does is create more divide.
CHILDREN were murdered in cold blood by a man who obviously had many issues with his mental health that should have been recognized and treated. Instead of fighting about gun control, how about we comfort one another in the wake of such a horrific tragedy?
After September 11, 2001, I remember the camaraderie between ALL Americans. Democrats and Republicans, Muslims and Buddhists and Christians and Jews and Atheists, all races and heritages pulled together as one. We came together in shock and sadness; horror and rage. We comforted strangers and wept together as a nation. I was so very proud to be an American.
Somehow, somewhere between then and now, we've become more divided than I'd ever thought possible. We're all so busy blaming one another for the state of the economy right now that we've let the most important part of being Americans fall through the cracks.
Yes, the economy blows. The Hubbs and I bought a house in 2006 that we're now so currently upside-down on that I'm thinking we may just plan on what rooms we'll be assigning to the grandkids.
Yes, we need to figure shit out to prevent further tragedies like the one in Connecticut. Does that mean more gun control or does it mean that people just need to SPEAK UP when they hear or see someone doing something? I don't know. I don't have answers for each and every separate issue our country is facing at the moment but I DO know one thing: None of it is going to get fixed until we stop blaming each other and start helping one another. We are all in this together, regardless of political, religious, and moral views. The sooner we pull together instead of apart, the sooner we can start putting the pieces of this once amazing country back together.

#Bitergram

Where's my Holiday Spirit? It's dead.

         Like most children, I always loved Christmas time. I would listen to Christmas music, decorate the house, hang ornaments from the tree and shop for others with joy. Now, I really only do one of those things with any kind of excitement.
         Christmas at my house growing up was always a big deal. We would, as a family, go get the tree (which always inspired a certain level of argument over the "best" tree), decorate it with ornaments from our past as we reminisced about each one. We'd stick the angel topper on and joke about hanging our cat, Tinsel, (who we got as a present from Santa) on the tree.
           We'd shop for one another and wrap our gifts before placing them under the tree. Christmas music was playing constantly in the house or car and there was always an underlying sense of excitement and anticipation for the holiday to come.
            On Christmas Eve, my mom and dad threw an annual get-together with lots of friends, food, carols and drinks. The whole day, we'd prepare the house for our guests. Afterward, my sisters and I would exchange gifts - a tradition instilled by our parents to keep us from driving them insane with our begging to open "just ONE gift, PLEASE?" Then we'd get all dressed up in our special Christmas dresses that our grandmother usually hand-made for us. In later years, they were store-bought, but the ones I remember were all the ones Grandma M. made.
          Then came the luminaria. Each year, our church would sell these bags of sand and candles as a fundraiser. My parents always bought enough to line their driveway and walkway and my sister's and I's job was to light these and set them up before going to church.
           Let me tell you - these things sucked to put out. You had to fill the bags with sand, set them up, light the candles and try to get them in the bags before the wind or rain or snow blew them out. Many years I remember returning from church to find one or more of the white paper bags burning merrily away. One year, a family friend wound up with a flaming wagon full of bags and sand as she tried to set them out. Even though I absolutely despised this task at the time, I look back on it - and the thrill of NOT catching anything on fire - with fondness.
          Off to church we would go, where my mom, as the choir director, had enlisted us all to sing during the service. At the very end of the service, candles were passed out and lit, the lights were turned off, and "Joy to the World" was sung as we left the building. All four verses. To this day, I can't hear that song without remembering these nights. Sometimes wax would drip on our hands and burn; programs would accidentally set fire, or the little plastic cups meant to guard the flame from the outside wind would melt and stink like burning plastic.
         Back at my mom and dad's, people would start to arrive for the party bringing more food. I'd have my friends there and we'd often go off on our own to my room while the grown-ups gathered around the living room as my mom played the piano and everyone sang carols. Usually, I went to bed before the last guest departed.
          Christmas morning would always arrive with the scent of coffee, cinnamon buns or Monkey Bread in the air. We'd all gather, open our stockings and then gifts from Santa Clause.
In the earlier years, we would then go to my dad's parent's house about 1/2 hour away and open more gifts from Santa and then have a great big dinner there. Later, though, my grandparents would drive to us or spend the night at our house Christmas Eve. My mom's parents were only there for the first seven or eight years of my life and then would come sporadically, as they had houses in PA and FL. My mom's sister, my one and only aunt, would come as well. So would our family friends and we'd have a huge dinner, open more gifts and play games.
          I loved Christmas and all the traditions it held for me.
          After my husband and I were married, we moved away for a few years. Christmas then was a frantic day spent driving from my parent's house, to his mom's and then to his dad's before returning to my parent's. If we were lucky, we'd get to spend a couple days after Christmas up there so we could see everyone. But mostly the following day was spent on I-95 South.
            One year in particular, the Hubbs hit a huge pothole and popped one tire and bent the rim on the back. We put the spare on the front one and decided to get them fixed when we got back home. This year, as fate would have it, it iced over and 95 was shut down in NC. It was declared a state of emergency and after countless hours literally just sitting on the highway, we wound up sleeping in a hotel parking lot (well, I did; the Hubbs slept in the hotel lobby) with the cats in our Dodge Neon. Worst. Sleep. Ever. I kept having to wake up every so often to turn the car on to warm it up. That sucked hardcore, let me tell ya. On my way to work the following morning, the other tire blew. Seriously. Can't make that shit up.
          Anywho, when the Hubbs got out of the Marine Corps, we moved back home and did the same insane Christmas shuffle we did before. Everyone wanted to see us on that. day. As someone who was raised Christian but is one no longer, I stand by the truth that Christmas is one day that could be recreated any day of the year. It's been proven that the Christians selected December 25 to coincide with the winter solstice, a holiday for pagans. For me, Christmas was getting out of hand.
          So we attempted to set a pattern, alternating holidays with families. This worked for exactly two years. We'd do Easter with A, Thanksgiving with B, Christmas with C. Then Easter with C, Thanksgiving with A, and Christmas with B. But then little A arrived and EVERYONE wanted to be with the first grandchild of both families for her first Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Columbus Day, etc. Okay, maybe no Columbus Day, but you get it.
          And I got it, too. Really, I wasn't  trying to be a bitch by saying "no, we're not spending 3 hours in the car one way from one family to another on Christmas." I understood that A was everyone's first little grandbaby and that they all wanted to spoil her and love her as much as the Hubbs and I did. Unfortunately, no one got that the Hubbs and I really just wanted to spend the day as a family.
Part of me didn't want to give up the memories of all those special, wonderfully dysfunctional Christmases I had as a kid. And I'm sure that was the case for the Hubbs too. We wanted to share those times with our child. Unfortunately, it wasn't feasible and what really wound up happening was one of us being unhappy.
Planning the holidays had turned into a negotiation rivaling any you'd see among the UN. Sometimes it would result in full-out war. Other times we'd have to enlist the help of a counselor. It could get pretty ugly.
         This happened enough times that by the time the holidays arrived with little E. Knievel, I was waving my white flag in advance.
         Forget it, I said. We'll spend all effing day in the effing car so we can see everyone. It's just easier to do that, rather than fight and deal with all the political BS that came with deciding where we'd spend the holidays.
        So now, I do almost all my shopping (for 40+ people) on Black Friday, which is a holiday I enjoy more than any other because it's the day I get to buy presents for everyone I love. I also love shopping without children in tow, getting great deals, and all the awesome people-watching that comes with it. But BF shopping is also essential so that we don't wind up in the poorhouse every January.
         I even have fun wrapping the gifts as I imagine each person opening them and seeing what awesome thing I selected for them to show our love and appreciation for them being in our lives. Because, for me, that is what Christmas is about: Appreciation of  those we love. I couldn't care less if I got an iPad mini or a diamond bracelet. While I love those things, it's the joy I get out of giving gifts to others that makes me the happiest.
          The kids get an insane amount of gifts, and they absolutely love opening their presents and the magical excitement that comes from the notion of Santa Clause. They are the only reason I put up a Christmas tree, or get pictures taken, or even decorate the outside. As a mom, these things have become a chore for me.
Great, lets put up something that's going to drop fake needles everywhere, the cats will try to chew on, and hang it with things that the 15 month old will be determined to pull off and break and/or eat. Sounds heavenly. Let's also dress up in our finest so we can take fifty-thousand pictures of the kids squirming or crying or doing anything but look at the effing camera and we can spend a small fortune to select two pictures that are half-way decent. While we're at it, let's go out in the freezing cold and hang up things that will only do more to raise our electricity bill. Please, oh please? Can we?
         I know what you're thinking - BAH HUMBUG, Hillary! Believe me, as I type I can't believe that these are my thoughts. I don't want to be like this. I'd love nothing more than to get super excited about it and hang the tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I just can't find that Holiday Spirit anymore and I'm pretty sure it's because it's been killed by greed and thoughtlessness and Obligations.
In an ideal world, we'd spend a whole day with each family and exchange gifts, hugs and appreciation. One of those days would be Christmas, but it wouldn't matter who we were with on that exact day because every one of those days would be Christmas for us.
          No one would be squabbling about who got who what presents because it's not about that. Last year I was actually accused by a family member of not giving her children gifts, even though she bought my kids gifts. Well, first of all, I did buy her kids gifts and they got them but I guess in their haste to open, no one thought to read the effing tags. Second, if someone didn't give my kids a gift and I happened to give their kids one, I wouldn't say an effing word because who cares? I don't keep a score card and rate gifts from year to year. That's crass and the exact opposite of what Christmas is to me; not to mention the exact opposite of how I want my kids to behave. I was frankly stunned by this behavior.
          As the holidays approach, I can't find it in myself to get excited. I actually cringe when I hear something about Christmas right now. It fills me with nothing but anxiety. I don't necessarily fault anyone for this. Well, that might not be entirely true, but I try to understand that every family works differently. My parents were lucky in that my dad was an only child and my mom only had one sibling who never had children. Their parents were friends and so it was not a big deal for literally EVERY family member to get together in the same house.
           But yeah. My Holiday Spirit is dead. And I'm pretty sure that resignation of having 3 birthday parties for each kid and spending countless hours on the road for Christmas is what killed it.

Maryland Voting - Know Before You Go!

There is more to voting than the Presidential Elections. Here is a list of all the Question Numbers and what they are.
Questions 1 through 3 are proposed Maryland Constitutional amendments.
Question 1 - requires judges of the Orphan’s Court for Prince George’s County to have been admitted to practice law in Maryland and be in good standing with the Maryland Bar.
**In Maryland, the Orphan’s Court has jurisdiction over guardianship of minors, and handles estates of people who have died while owning property in their sole name.
Summary: The people in charge of orphaned minors without a guardian are judges and they become the legal guardians of said minors. They are in charge of their estates and finances until the minor turns 18. Voting "for the referred law", you are wanting to pass a law requiring all judges responsible for orphaned minors to be legally allowed to practice law in Maryland (meaning they would have had to pass the state Bar exam) and that they have had no reports of bad conduct.

Question 2 - Similar to Question 1, this lays out the same qualifications for Orphans’ Court judges, except the measure applies to Baltimore County, also.
Summary: See Summary for Question 1.

Question 3 - provides conditions under which an elected official convicted of a felony or certain misdemeanors will be removed from office.
**Under existing Maryland law, an elected official who is convicted or pleads no contest is suspended from office and is removed only when the conviction becomes final. If the new amendment is passed, an elected official is suspended from office when found guilty and will be removed from office when the conviction becomes final, or when the elected official pleads guilty or no contest.
Summary: Voting "for the referred law" will pass a law requiring all elected officials who have ever been convicted of a felony or some misdemeanors to be removed from their position.

Question 4 - The Maryland DREAM Act - Establishes that individuals, including undocumented immigrants, are eligible to pay in-state tuition rates at community colleges in Maryland, provided the student meets certain conditions relating to attendance and graduation from a Maryland high school, filing of income taxes, intent to apply for permanent residency, and registration with the selective service system (if required); makes such students eligible to pay in-state tuition rates at a four-year public college or university if the student has first completed 60 credit hours or graduated from a community college in Maryland; provides that students qualifying for in-state tuition rates by this method will not be counted as in-state students for purposes of counting undergraduate enrollment; and extends the time in which honorably discharged veterans may qualify for in-state tuition rates.
Summary: Voting "for the referred law" will give all Maryland High School graduates (whether they're undocumented immigrants, documented immigrants or American citizens) who file income taxes the ability to attend a Maryland 4-year at the in-state tuition rate so long as they complete their 2 year degree at a community college in state. This also extends the time that honorably discharged veterans can qualify for in-state rates.

Question 5 - Congressional Re-districting - Establishes the boundaries for the State’s eight United States Congressional Districts based on recent census figures, as required by the United States Constitution.
Summary: Voting "for the referred law" will change the boundaries for the eight US Congressional Districts based on the census figure.

Question 6 - Same-sex Marriage - Establishes that Maryland’s civil marriage laws allow gay and lesbian couples to obtain a civil marriage license, provided they are not otherwise prohibited from marrying; protects clergy from having to perform any particular marriage ceremony in violation of their religious beliefs; affirms that each religious faith has exclusive control over its own theological doctrine regarding who may marry within that faith; and provides that religious organizations and certain related entities are not required to provide goods, services, or benefits to an individual related to the celebration or promotion of marriage in violation of their religious beliefs.
Summary: Voting "for the referred law" will allow same-sex couples to be legally wed in the state of Maryland, however, it also states that those religions and religious leaders are not required to allow the couple to marry in their religion. (Basically, gay men and women can be married in the law, but religions aren't forced to recognize it)

Question 7 - Casino Expansion - Do you favor the expansion of commercial gaming in the State of Maryland for the primary purpose of raising revenue for education to authorize video lottery operation licensees to operate “table games” as defined by law; to increase from 15,000 to 16,500 the maximum number of video lottery terminals that may be operated in the State; and to increase from 5 to 6 the maximum number of video lottery operation licenses that may be awarded in the State and allow a video lottery facility to operate in Prince George’s County?
Summary: Voting "For the Additional Forms and Expansion of Commercial Gaming" means you support or encourage the increase of the amount of gambling facilities and the amount of things you can gamble on.

Meatless Meatloaf

(couldn't get a picture before the herd converged on the dish!)

INGREDIENTS:
3/4 cup Oats
1/4 cup flour
15.5 oz Black beans
1 egg
1 small onion, diced
1 cup shredded cheddar
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup honey barbecue sauce
2 tsp Garlic powder

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Spray glass bread pan with cooking spray
In a medium mixing bowl, combine onion, flour, oats, egg, ketchup, honey barbecue sauce, garlic powder and cheese and mix. Add black beans and mash together.  (I used a potato masher for this)
Pour into bread pan and level out
Cook for 35-40 minutes.