Why

Two days ago, my faith in humanity was shaken to the core. The entire time Trump was running for president all I could think was, "There is no way anyone is gonna elect this asshole." I think a lot of us thought this. So much so that I really never even considered the possibility that people would. And when people did... I have no words to describe the emotion I felt at that moment. When I woke up and logged onto facebook, my entire feed was filled with worry, sadness, anger, shock... and gloating. So much tactless, rude, unbelievably prejudiced gloating.

After I unfriended a person or two, I lashed out with something along the lines of "If this is what America wants then we deserve the bad shit that's gonna happen." Not my finest moment and not, exactly, what I was really going for. But in that moment I felt so betrayed by my fellow Americans and so disgusted at the lack of empathy they seemed to have for one another.

I feel the need to explain myself. First off, let me say that I don't hate all people who voted Trump. There were two people running who both had a long list of negatives and a short list of positives. As most elections go, one represented one side of a lot of core issues and one represented the other. Naturally those with more conservative values are going to choose the side that fits with those values. Unfortunately for America, Trump most closely represented that. So again, I don't hate. But... Trump also represents a side of America that should not exist. Whether intentionally or not, he has given voice to the bigots of the country.

The racists who were once too cowardly to publicly act are now emboldened by the President-elect's words that he will build a wall and deport and watch people based on the color of their skin or the religion they follow. The idea that this group of people are now brave enough to display their true feelings of hate has my stomach churning. It's not that I'm anti-Trump (although, in all honesty, he is not even a little bit what I want for a leader), it's that I'm anti-hate. One might even say that I hate hate. Hate divides and by now Americans should know better: Together we are strong.

Already I've heard of derogatory comments being said to non-white people. Violence and harassment against minorities has increased. The confederate flag (another example of something that has been taken and used for bigots as a way to display their hatred) has made a resurgence among teenagers - kids too young and stupid to really understand what it is they're saying, only thinking it "funny" or appropriate based off how they were raised. Reports of random strangers trying to remove hijabs from Muslim women, people being beaten for no reason other than they look or speak differently.

The violence goes both ways. A white man in NYC was beaten for voting for Trump by two black men. It's no excuse, but I do think the motive of that beating was fear. Spurred by the hate and vitriol spewed by Trump and his supporters, I can only imagine the worry and fear felt by minorities.

As a woman and the mother of two young girls, I can say that the comments Trump has made about women has me fearful that sexism will also grow stronger and more prevalent. That rape and sexual harassment will become an even bigger problem than it already is.

I hope that I'm wrong. I hope my fears will go unrealized and that, just maybe, the Trump administration will surprise me. I won't say things like "he's not my president," because that's the same crap people pulled with Obama and it pissed me off. He is my president (or will be). The country chose him and I must come to terms with it and continue to do my part in society. I'll tolerate the changes in policy and grin and bear whatever other alterations he makes to our country - hoping all the while that they're temporary. But I will never tolerate hate.

And now here are some cute animals.

Big Deal

For the first time ever a woman has a chance at becoming the president of the United States. This is a big deal. Not even a century ago women weren't allowed to vote for who would become president of this country. Their opinions were not worthy enough; their lives not important enough; their judgment not keen enough.
I get it... emails and national security. I get it. I get it and I don't get a flying fuck about it. It takes not one iota of magnitude from the degree of BIG DEAL this is for me; for women.
Did you miss the first part? For the first time ever a woman has a chance at becoming the president of the United States. All the arguments against her may be valid, but fuck you for implying this is not a big fucking deal for women in this country.
For every woman who has ever been sexually assaulted or harassed. For every woman who has ever been told she wasn't good enough. For every woman who has ever felt inadequate. For every woman who has been beaten, put down, or made to feel ashamed. For every woman. Win or lose. This is a BIG DEAL. 


I found this comment on a Facebook post and wanted to share because it is exactly what I'm getting at here!

 "I  hovered my finger over the button just for a minute, and let it sink in that I actually was going to get to vote for the first woman president....and I lived to see the day. When I was told in the 70's that the secretarial pool was the highest job any woman would ever have in the Fortune 100 company I was employed by, I pretty much thought it would take a thousand years. And look how things have gotten so much better in this country since then, for so many people who were second-class citizens in my youth."
See? It's a BFD, you guys!

Last Child School Woes

My youngest, E, started Kindergarten two weeks ago. After week one, my first day jitters and worries had passed. E's birthday is September 1st so in our state she was born on the cut-off date to start school. Had she been born twelve hours later, we would likely have had to wait another year to start elementary school. She will always be the youngest in her class. Because of this, I was worried. So last year we bumped her up to five-day-a-week preschool and she was blossoming. Even with the confirmation that she was academically ready and seemed well-adjusted, I was super nervous about her starting and the news that she'd been doing great that first week was welcome.

The next Monday, just as I was drawing in a great breath of relief,  I received a call from the school.
E had been crying a lot. She seemed inconsolable; crying that she missed me, missed her sister, was bored. They'd pulled her from class and had her in one of their intervention rooms because she just wouldn't calm down. She was holding a stuffy but really sad.

Have you ever had that feeling where it's almost like your feet are swept out from under you? Your legs go numb and your heart sinks low into your stomach. Momma Bear inside was roaring and clawing to get out - to go comfort my baby girl, to hug her to me and tell her she never, ever has to leave me again. I was a mess after that call (and, lucky me, got to go sit through 2 1/2 hours of biology lecture).

After school that day, E seemed happy when she got off the bus, much to my relief. Her teacher called me and we spoke about it some more. E can be a bit emotional when she's tired or hungry so I chalked it up to not having gotten enough sleep that weekend due to her pre-birthday excitement. We talked about ways to calm her and incentives to not have a meltdown in the first place. One of those was that E would get to call me at the end of the day, just before dismissal, if she had a meltdown-free day.

Tuesday, I didn't get a call. Wednesday, still nothing. Thursday was her birthday so I brought her lunch - Panera - and hung out with her there and at recess. Her teacher says E was crying this morning as soon as she came in the classroom. She calmed down quickly, which is good, but the idea of my little girl, on her fifth birthday, a belly full of cupcake-shaped pancakes. getting on the bus and bursting into tears makes me die a little inside. Thank goodness A rides the bus with her and E wasn't alone or I may have just pulled her out of school on the spot.

Friday morning I decided to drive her into school and walk her to her class. Which was a big mistake. We both cried that morning; E when we got to her classroom, and me when I got to my car. However, E had a great day! She called me just before school let out and told me about a new friend she'd made at recess and my heart brightened with joy. Had we finally gotten over the hurdle?

Monday was Labor Day so we had a long weekend. Monday night, she starts crying again. School is boring. She's scared (she isn't really - she just throws out any reason she thinks might work). She misses me. I'd made her and myself little bracelets to wear that she could kiss whenever she missed me and I would kiss mine when I missed her (I actually think I may kiss mine more that her during the day). We decided she would tell her teacher a joke every morning - a different one that we pick out the night before and practice.

Tuesday was a great day! No meltdowns, her teacher informed me in a note she sent home with E that was proudly given to me the moment she got off the bus.

But then Wednesday... today. She had a small meltdown, which I'm not sad about really. It happens. She's 5. But we started reading The Kissing Hand. If you've never read that book - whew! I suggest you go through it once BEFORE reading it to your children. I got choked up halfway into it.

Then the tears started - on her end this time. "I just want to stay with you." "I miss you too much." "I like you a whole lot and don't ever want to leave you." "I just want it how it was."

When your child says these things while bawling her sweet little face off, your heart breaks and crumbles. I forgot all about how she refused to taste the dinner she asked for and called it "yucky" the minute I set it in front of her. As much as I want to hold her to me and kiss her and tell her she doesn't need school and we can just live together forever, I know this isn't the best for her. I tried distracting her after a bit of reassuring  that even though she is going to school, we will still get fun days together, knowing that in a way she's right. It won't ever be the way it was before kindergarten started. There won't be endless Mommy and E days where she accompanies me on a few errands before I give in and get us froyo at Costco.

And GOD. I'm aching at that realization. So I read her another book - Peppa Pig this time - around a lump in my throat while I hastily wipe my tears from my eyes so she doesn't see that I'm also so super sad. I kiss her goodnight and tuck her in tightly, making sure she knows that even though she misses me, she will learn to love school and all that it entails. Even though selfishly I just want her to stay with me.
I miss her too much.
I like her a whole lot and never want her to leave me.
I just want it how it was.