2013 hasn't been the greatest year for me. After the loss of a close friendship I never saw coming, fate still had more blows coming for me. Some of them, you know about. Some of them, you never will. Internal and external struggles with anxiety and the reemergence of an insecurity that I'd thought long gone.
One after another, it seemed like my world was crumbling. And then, just when I thought I was in the clear, another unexpected and still pretty unexplained loss of a friendship. Will it end with that? I really hope so.
It has been crippling, view-altering. Despite the support of my husband, and my friends (or what's left of them) and family, I've felt alone and scared, angry and vengeful. After each trauma, I've thought, "I can't take anymore. I can't, or I'll break."
And yet, I'm still here. Bruised, surely bloody, but not broken. Not dead and not, somehow, jaded. I still yearn to trust and to confide. I want to make new friends and reconnect with old ones - yes, even the assholes. The year hasn't crushed me. I'm still standing. I'm still here.
How dare I complain about the past year? How dare I feel anything but thankful? After all, I have two healthy, happy girls, a spouse who loves me, family and a few friends who'd do just about anything for me. I have a home and a car and food. I live in a place where I feel safe and protected. I know all of this and I am thankful for these things. But that doesn't make the shitty things any less shitty.
I'm not perfect, nor have I handled everything with grace and composure, but I'm dealing with things I never thought I could. I'm coping better than I ever hoped I would. And I've grown a new respect for me. I'm proud. I'm stronger than I ever knew I was.
Instead of looking at the past year as horrible, I will remember 2013 as the year I survived. The year I grew because of, the year I learned from.
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