I had a dream about you...

Last night, I had a dream I saw you. It's been over six months since your text. You know the one. Though I think about you sometimes, I'm not sure why last night my mind needed you to manifest. Maybe it's because I was on vacation, remembering the times we went away together. For whatever reason, I had a dream about you.

I ran into you, and at first it was awkward, as I imagine it would be in real life if we were to see each other. But then something unexpected happened. You apologized. And, oh my god. How I needed to hear that apology. You told me you'd made a mistake. That you've missed my presence in your life. Because we were good friends, despite our few differences.

Or maybe those differences weren't so few. You certainly didn't seem to think so. Instead of talking to me - giving me the respect I feel I'd earned as your friend - you ceased communication, and then cited the one major difference between us as your reason for ending the 2+ year friendship.

You were there for me during the worst part of my life, offering support and advice and not judgment. For that I'll always be grateful. I think I helped you a lot as well, during a difficult time in your life. I hope I helped you. I know you helped me.

So in my dream, when you apologized, I felt so much joy. Despite what I say to myself and others, that I don't care about you - that you're treatment showed me you weren't as great of a friend as I thought you were - I know I'm lying. I don't know, if you were to apologize in real life and want to start our friendship anew, what I'd say. In my dream, I accepted, and I was glad I had.

Maybe I dreamed this because I've been dying for an apology. An explanation beyond the cold, callous one you gave me. I thought, at the very least, our friendship had warranted that. More than all the other shit I went through last year, this one hurts - if not the most, then almost as badly. Because you knew everything else. You knew and you still treated me like I didn't matter to you. You didn't give me the benefit of the doubt, and because of that, I know you didn't value our friendship the way I did.

Maybe this is a pathetic way to get this out there. I'll take that risk. Because I really cared for you, for your husband and your kids. And I thought what we had was worth talking about, one last time.

It's a Frozen Party (not literally frozen, just Frozen-themed)

Like most young girls ages 1-10 years, my daughters have taken flying leaps onto the Disney's Frozen bandwagon. They're standing proud and tall with millions of other Elsas and Annas singing "Let It Go" at the tops of their lungs!
My now-six year old requested a Frozen birthday party this year. And no matter how often I tried to distract her by saying things like, "A Frozen party? Won't that get cold?" she would not be deterred. So I set out on a mission to figure out how I can make a Frozen party, at a park, in May.
Here's what I did:

Favors:
*Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?

I found this idea on Pinterest (like, pretty much, everything else on here) and made my own picture.
Needed: 

• 3 big marshmallows
• 2 pretzel sticks
• 1 candy corn 
• several miniature chocolate chips (I admit I didn't count these out, just added roughly the same amount to each baggie. They're very melty.)
• Treat Bags like this.
• Printer
• Cardstock quality paper
• Stapler

*Ice Candy

Yup, that's good old fashioned rock candy. No, I didn't make it myself, but if you're keen, here's a link to a recipe and how-to. Looked like WAY too much of a mess for me, so I bought it.

Needed:

• Rock Candy (duh). I found it at Party City for the cheapest. It's a true sign of how big of a PITA it must be to make when most places charge a buck a piece! Party City has it at 8 for $6. They have a lot of colors to choose from. Mine didn't have the light blue so I went with dark blue and white/clear. 
• Again, you'll need the treat baggies
• Stapler
• Printer
• Paper (Oh and I use www.ipiccy.com for all the designing of labels.)

*Snowballs

Needed:

• White Sixlets (I was cheap and only put 18/bag. Let's face it, my kids didn't need anymore candy that close to Easter, and I'm guessing they weren't the only ones.)
• Clear treat bag
• Printer
• Staples
• Paper

*Bows

These were only for the girls, and made by yours truly. The boys got sunglasses - I was reaching for the Olaf/Summer thing. Hush. These were the most time-consuming of the favors.

Needed:

• Ribbon, varying colors
• Alligator Clips 
• Hot glue gun (LOVE getting my glue gun out!)
• Any beads or accents you'd like to include. I got the pearly-type one and the diamondy one from a page of stickers found in the scrapbook section of my Joanns.

Instructions on how to make the bows are in another part of my blog. Here at the top, is the first part, then this particular look is shown at the bottom of the page. 

*Snowflake Lollipops

These were easy-peasy. Just your typical melted candy deal. 

Needed:

• Snowflake Lollipop Mold (could only find this on amazon)
• Lollipop Sticks (these are easily found in grocery or craft stores)
• The plastic treat baggies, bigger this time. A lot of the lollipop sticks come in kits including the twisty-ties and baggies. I'd get those if you can find 'em.
• Blue and White Candy Melts (I found "stark white" at Joanns and think they looked better. The regular "white ones are really off-white." I think these can all be found cheaper in stores, anyway.)

Also included were stickers (holy crap, the price on those went up drastically since I purchased them!) 

I put them in plain white bags and added a little fancy ribbon. 

Activities: 

Well, we were at a park, so there was the playground equipment that kept the kids entertained mostly. I did have my wonderful husband draw Olaf on a poster, and we printed and cut out carrot noses to play Pin the Nose on Olaf.

 

Food:

We ordered pizza, since it was a lunchtime party. I also had veggies and dip. 

I included a "Frozen" mix of pretzel sticks, mini marshmallows, candy corns,(I ad-libbed the candy corn and marshmallows) and white and blue M&Ms. That was quite a hit.

I made an "ice cap punch" like this, only not as fancy and in one big bowl.

And, of course, there was cake.

That looked roughly like this inside (it's a different cake, from a different party - don't your kids have multiple parties? - and the lighting is effed because I took the pic on my phone)

And cupcakes.

Decorations: 

*I didn't do much beyond the balloons and streamers. I got this disposable snowflake tablecloth (note: it did not cost $248... I don't know WTF that's all about!). 

*I am so mad at myself for not getting a picture of the little snowflake hangings I did! They were a huge undertaking, and I wound up not making as many as I'd hoped I would. Anyway, I bought this guy, cut a billion little snowflakes out and hot glued them to fishing line, before attaching it all to thick ribbon and then hanging them along the edges of the pavilion. The little snowflakes clung together and were a royal bitch to untangle. If I had to do it again, I'd get a bigger die-cut. Not even sure many people noticed the hangings.

*I made this

with my printer, different edged scissors, a hole-punch, and ribbon. (Doesn't it look so lovely on the door with the big padlock? Uhg.)

Because no one can find an Elsa dress for less than a gajillion dollars, thanks to all the assholes that buy them and then resell at 3xs the retail value (seriously, stop it.), and because my mom is awesome, she made A her very own custom Elsa gown. 

I think it turned out quite nicely.

We, of course, had to get E an Anna dress (much easier to find!).

There are my Frozen girls. :) 

Banana Nut Muffins - Vegan

Preheat Oven to 350°F

Mix together:

1/2 cup shortening

3/4 cup sugar

1/2 cup applesauce

2 1/2 mashed, slightly over-ripe bananas

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup quick oats

1/2 cup nut of your choice (I used crushed, unsalted pistachio nuts)

Pour into greased muffin tin

Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden brown

Let cool and enjoy!!

Black Friday

I love Black Friday shopping.

There. I said it.

Judge me if you like. Odds are if you're judging me over that, you're judging me about all manner of other things anyways. You're welcome for giving you one more.

Even though I'm at the store every other day (for food, milk, diapers), I don't do a whole lot of pleasure shopping throughout the year. Birthday gifts, clothes for the kids, occasionally something for me. That's pretty much it.

Black Friday gives me the ability to go out and get all the little things for myself, for my loved ones, for my pets, that I've wanted to get all year. And, it gives me time to do this all without children. Anyone who has gone to Target with a toddler and a 5 yr old should understand that pleasure.

I don't go nuts. I don't camp out overnight, I don't knock people down or shove people out of my way. You won't see me running or cutting in line. I don't go to Walmart, or Kmart, or any store that I'm against morally.

Will I be out at 8pm Thanksgiving night? Probably. Would those workers rather be anywhere but there? I'd guess so. But that could also be said for any other working day for them and everyone else.

We've made such a big deal about retail stores opening on Thanksgiving night. As though this is a new thing. Gas stations have employees round the clock, most grocery stores are open for at least a little while. Restaurants are open for those people who don't have family, don't feel like cooking, and wish to go out. Movie theaters have always been open on Thanksgiving. In fact, it's become a family tradition for us to go out and see a movie every year. Hell, even a lot of Starbucks are open. Zookeepers and animal caregivers still go to work - the animals don't care what day it is.

So what about those people? All those people and hundreds more, have and always will be working on Thanksgiving. And not just at night - when most families are finished with their meals and are lying around in tryptophan comas. All day. Every year. Even on Christmas and Fourth of July and all the other holidays we all love celebrating with family and friends (and alcohol).

I've actually talked to several retail employees that have told me they don't really care that they have to go to work at 7pm on Thanksgiving night. They're happy to have jobs. They're happy to be making money. It seems the most outraged people are those that don't have to and never have had to actually work on Thanksgiving. Why are we all suddenly becoming champions for people who have to work on Thanksgiving, when people have been doing it... always?

So I won't feel guilty tonight as I head inside Ulta, and Kohls, and the mall. When I'm checking out at Target, I'll be sure to give the employee a bright smile and tell them to have a wonderful day. Just because I love shopping on Black Friday doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. I'm not rude. I'm not greedy.

99% of the things I buy are for others. I even pick up my Toys for Tots gift for my kids to donate to the charity. And I'll also be gathering stuff for a stocking stuffer exchange at the YMCA. Just because I paid less for those things doesn't make them any less appreciated. And, this way, I am actually enjoying the experience.

Go ahead and judge me and all the other dedicated Black Friday shoppers. We'll be at the store.

Thankful for the Pain

 

Thanksgiving is next week, and while everyone else on facebook is listing their "30 days of thanks," my posts have remained strictly status quot (see what I did there?) It isn't that I'm not thankful for my keurig, or my husband, or my girls. I so, so am. But more than that, I'm thankful for the pain.
    2013 hasn't been the greatest year for me. After the loss of a close friendship I never saw coming, fate still had more blows coming for me. Some of them, you know about. Some of them, you never will. Internal and external struggles with anxiety and the reemergence of an insecurity that I'd thought long gone.
     One after another, it seemed like my world was crumbling. And then, just when I thought I was in the clear, another unexpected and still pretty unexplained loss of a friendship. Will it end with that? I really hope so.
     It has been crippling, view-altering. Despite the support of my husband, and my friends (or what's left of them) and family, I've felt alone and scared, angry and vengeful. After each trauma, I've thought, "I can't take anymore. I can't, or I'll break."
     And yet, I'm still here. Bruised, surely bloody, but not broken. Not dead and not, somehow, jaded. I still yearn to trust and to confide. I want to make new friends and reconnect with old ones - yes, even the assholes. The year hasn't crushed me. I'm still standing. I'm still here.
     How dare I complain about the past year? How dare I feel anything but thankful? After all, I have two healthy, happy girls, a spouse who loves me, family and a few friends who'd do just about anything for me. I have a home and a car and food. I live in a place where I feel safe and protected. I know all of this and I am thankful for these things. But that doesn't make the shitty things any less shitty.
    I'm not perfect, nor have I handled everything with grace and composure, but I'm dealing with things I never thought I could. I'm coping better than I ever hoped I would. And I've grown a new respect for me. I'm proud. I'm stronger than I ever knew I was.
    Instead of looking at the past year as horrible, I will remember 2013 as the year I survived. The year I grew because of, the year I learned from.

 

Vegetarian Five Bean Chili

Ingredients:

1 15oz can of Black Beans

1 15oz can of Dark Red Kidney Beans

1 15oz can of regular Kidney Beans

1/2 package of Frozen Veggie Mix - Corn, Carrots, Lima Beans, Green Beans

1 15oz can Stewed Tomatoes

1 1/2 cups Tomato Paste

1 1/2 cups Water

1 Onion, minced

1 1/2 TBSP Chili Powder

2 tsp Garlic Powder

Add Salt and Pepper to taste

Steps:

Rinse beans

Add everything to crock pot and stir

Turn on crock pot and let cook for 6-8 hours

True Love, and Why There Is No Happily Ever After

     As a little girl, I remember watching Disney movies. The prince and the princess would meet, fall instantly in love, overcome the obstacles keeping them apart, and get married - living together forever, happily ever after, with ease.

     Within my first year of marriage, I realized that true love isn't like that. After being together for only three months, my husband was deployed. We spent six of the first nine months of our marriage on different continents.
     I had just turned 18, had literally gone from my parents house to living with him (much like so many of those princesses). We didn't know what would happen when he got back home, and, I'm not gonna lie, it was hard. But we fought and we struggled and our love for one another persevered. Two years and two more deployments later, it had gotten easier, although never, by any means, "easy." 

     He was out of the military and we'd moved back to our home state. Naively, I thought this would be the beginning of that happily ever after. After three years of uncertainty, I though finally things would be simpler for us. But life isn't like that. Money, jobs, kids, family, frustrations, everyday stress; the next 8 years have proved to be just as trying, just as difficult in their own ways. 

     In the past eleven years, I've come to one conclusion: There is no "happily ever after." At least, not in the way we think. In the movies, Snow White and Prince Charming ride off in their horse to live together in peace and harmony. It looks like nothing will ever come between them.
     What we don't hear about is, years later, Charming develops a gambling problem and loses his job and their carriage gets repossessed and the castle is foreclosed on and Snow White goes back to living in squalor, only now she's got three children instead of dwarfs, and Charming has to work 18 hour shifts to make ends meet. We don't see that, years later, Ariel regrets her decision to become part of his world  and resents Eric. Or that Aurora goes out with the fairies one night and gets so drunk that she has a one night stand with a knight. 

     But their love is true, so Snow White forgives Charming, embraces their new life of poverty, and even gets a job working alongside him in the fields. Eric and Ariel find a marriage counselor and work through her anger and resentment, they buy a house on the sea, where she can visit her friends and family often. Phillip forgives Aurora, because he's made his mistakes too, and while they have trouble coming to terms with her infidelity, they're committed to making it work, and do.

     Because in real life, love isn't "happily ever after." It's joy and anger, pain and disappointment, hurt and forgiveness. True love is going through all the things life throws at you - things that are supposed to tear you apart - and coming out on the other side of it stronger, wiser, and even more determined.
     As the Hubbs and I celebrate our 11th anniversary, I will remember that just because Disney chose not to show us the hard parts, doesn't mean they didn't happen, as they happen to all true loves.